Holidays

Holidays don't have much meaning to me anymore.  I find myself just longing for the memories of holidays past with Tanela.  Wishing I didn't have to go through anymore w/o her.  Trying to find a way to go on w/o her on holidays & everyday.

Sad...

From a mother who lost her son:

What Sad Is..

Sad is:

waiting for a child to come home who never will again.

not doing their dirty laundry just so that you can smell them.

having the junk they kept in their rooms turn into your greatest treasures.

watching other kids go on to do wonderful things knowing you child is done doing whatever he would have done.

thinking that somehow there must be a mistake, but you know there is no mistake because you kissed your child in his coffin.

never getting the chance to say goodbye.

knowing that an entire branch of your family tree is now gone, no grandchildren or great grandchildren.

seeing movies come out that your child will never see.

not being able to tell your child how much you love him.

having others wonder what you did wrong to make your child take his own life.

wondering what you did wrong to make your child take his own life.

waking up each day to the reality that your child is no more.

having an empty chair at the dinner table.

having every little thing you see or hear hurt you somehow.

waking and thinking you hear your child coming home in the middle of the night only to remember your child is never coming home.

living for your own death and welcoming it.

crying in supermarkets because you see apples or whatever else your child loved to eat.

feeling a sense of disaster non-stop every second of the day.

being helpless to do anything to help your child.

not knowing where your child is.

sobbing when people ask you how many children you have.

fearing people will forget your child.

living without your child.

Sad is only being able to visit your precious child at a grave site.... that is what sad is...

So true...

A happiness...

A very young man who was an infant - yet comfort - when Tanela was in the hospital & after her death, just sang ABC song to me over the phone - TWICE!  I was so happy, I cried & my cheeks hurt from smiling so hugely.  :-)   The love, the hope, the future - Awesome!  TY

A mother whom I have connected with via support groups who lost her 12 yo son almost one year ago is struggling w/this new anniversary in her life.  This morning I shared this with her:  On our daughter's 19th birthday - 57 days after she passed, we went to the theater & saw Harry Potter, went to Steak N Shake then stopped by her grave on the way home. We did this on our motorcycles - figuring that woulda been the way she wanted to spend her day - except for the cemetery, of course. On the 1st anniversary of her death, I cried - A LOT! I still cry @ the littlest things.

One of those littlest things came to me last night while @ dinner.  Thankfully I didn't cry but teared up.  A woman @ our dinner table was wearing a magnetic necklace/bracelet.  It was a different color, although the same style.  I held back the tears, but kept finding my eyes fixated on her bracelet.  These things just happen...

Sorry...thinking about some of the things that I posted, I feel like I was having a pitty party.  I was sharing what I'm feeling from many angles.  So, even though I feel 'blah' today & do hate where my life is right now, please don't think I'm not doing well - I'm looking forward to returning home & finding out where I can continue my PT efforts...meanwhile, just waiting on the surgery...

My computer is my access to the world!  ;-)  I appreciate that you asked & cared enough to read the bare aspects of my soul @ this time.  One step @ a time, I'm trying to get some life back.  I am waiting now to find out when I can have surgery to put a spinal cord stimulator in my back so I can get better pain relief & wean down off of the drugs that are also affecting my life.  Also, with having the house rebuilt, when we return to our 10+ acres in the woods, I hope to get some peace & piece of mind back.

My response when someone cared enough to ask what's going on & knew the pain I was in is awful!

Thx for checking up on me.  I just have a lot of issues - tragedies that have hurt my life so deeply & it seems those I thought were my closest girl friends are not wanting to be bothered w/me anymore.  My daughter died 6/1/09, I wrecked my truck 12/09, my house burned down 2/7/10 & I had to have emergency back surgery 3/31/10 & have not been pain free or 'right' ever since. 

My 'friends' have told me that they want the 'old Karen' back.  She doesn't exist.  They don't think I'm going about grieving correctly - they want to know when I will 'get over' my daughter's death.  They don't understand what happened to me when my hubby & I KNEW that our daughter wouldn't live a full life & we actually had to wait 12 days for her to die after disconnecting any life supporting machines (dialysis & feeding) - I screamed @ them:  TANELA'S SOUL LEFT HER BODY WHILE I WAS HOLDING HER IN MY ARMS!!!  One of these ladies has never had a child - the others, thankfully, have not lost a child. 

BUT, like that wasn't bad enough, I lost my home, belongings (incuding Tanela's funeral stuff & w/o having been able to go through her belongings) & my health - all in less than a year! 
We all met because of motorcycles.  Now, I can't ride my own & don't ride w/my husband because of all the things that have happened w/my back.  Last summer I rode 3 times w/him on my bike - imagine that:  Riding bitch on your own bike!  Riding is a great stress reliever & brings your concentration to a focus.  I can't ride...I cry...I feel left out. 

Equally, w/my back situation, I'm not comfortable most places.  I have to be reclined to be comfortable - sitting & standing hurt the most.  Even on all the drugs I'm on, I'm not pain free.  Therefore, when I do go somewhere, I wanna be home.  The drugs make me want to be alone as well.  :'(
So, last month these ladies & I were discussing all of this & they think I should be in a counseling session w/a pro - well, I can't afford that.  I have always been in 'computer-based' support groups - my daughter had a lot of medical problems & I belonged to many support groups regarding different aspects of her care.  So, TCF group brings me comfort in that I'm not going over board grieving & there are others feeling like I feel. 

I lost more than my daughter - she was my work.  School & the teachers & kids, docs, nurses, other cardiopulmonary kids & families - I lost many circles of 'friendships' & contacts in my life. 

I did go back to work a few months after she died, but then my back went south & I'm living in a WHITE apartment rather than my home in the boonies.  We are rebuilding, so it should only be about another 6 wks before we can move home. 

These friends feel that I'm too negative, always in pain, don't want anything to do w/rides (HOG Chapter - I was the Ladies Of Harley Officer for 2 yrs & I no longer want to put rides together than I can't ride!), (They put together an event @ the Harley shop that I had been wanting to do for 2 yrs, yet didn't invite me to participate, but then wanted me to come watch!  How offensive that was to me!  They say they wanted to protect me...) keep to myself (I live closer to everyone right now, yet no one visits even though they have an open invite!), they say I don't call - everyone works, so I always say call/text whenever you have time...

I want my life back...I know I can't have Tanela back, but I would like to have more than PT 3x/wk...
However, when I'm w/these ladies anymore, I feel like an outsider.  When we move home, I'll be back in the boonies - no one will come out there - it's too far (30-60 min varying for where they all live), yet they expect me to come to them. 

I guess I do feel sorry for myself.  I'm definitely still missing my beautiful Tanela so very much.  I want some of my life back physically.

Ranting again...you're prob sorry now that you asked!  LOL