Sorry...thinking about some of the things that I posted, I feel like I was having a pitty party.  I was sharing what I'm feeling from many angles.  So, even though I feel 'blah' today & do hate where my life is right now, please don't think I'm not doing well - I'm looking forward to returning home & finding out where I can continue my PT efforts...meanwhile, just waiting on the surgery...

My computer is my access to the world!  ;-)  I appreciate that you asked & cared enough to read the bare aspects of my soul @ this time.  One step @ a time, I'm trying to get some life back.  I am waiting now to find out when I can have surgery to put a spinal cord stimulator in my back so I can get better pain relief & wean down off of the drugs that are also affecting my life.  Also, with having the house rebuilt, when we return to our 10+ acres in the woods, I hope to get some peace & piece of mind back.

My response when someone cared enough to ask what's going on & knew the pain I was in is awful!

Thx for checking up on me.  I just have a lot of issues - tragedies that have hurt my life so deeply & it seems those I thought were my closest girl friends are not wanting to be bothered w/me anymore.  My daughter died 6/1/09, I wrecked my truck 12/09, my house burned down 2/7/10 & I had to have emergency back surgery 3/31/10 & have not been pain free or 'right' ever since. 

My 'friends' have told me that they want the 'old Karen' back.  She doesn't exist.  They don't think I'm going about grieving correctly - they want to know when I will 'get over' my daughter's death.  They don't understand what happened to me when my hubby & I KNEW that our daughter wouldn't live a full life & we actually had to wait 12 days for her to die after disconnecting any life supporting machines (dialysis & feeding) - I screamed @ them:  TANELA'S SOUL LEFT HER BODY WHILE I WAS HOLDING HER IN MY ARMS!!!  One of these ladies has never had a child - the others, thankfully, have not lost a child. 

BUT, like that wasn't bad enough, I lost my home, belongings (incuding Tanela's funeral stuff & w/o having been able to go through her belongings) & my health - all in less than a year! 
We all met because of motorcycles.  Now, I can't ride my own & don't ride w/my husband because of all the things that have happened w/my back.  Last summer I rode 3 times w/him on my bike - imagine that:  Riding bitch on your own bike!  Riding is a great stress reliever & brings your concentration to a focus.  I can't ride...I cry...I feel left out. 

Equally, w/my back situation, I'm not comfortable most places.  I have to be reclined to be comfortable - sitting & standing hurt the most.  Even on all the drugs I'm on, I'm not pain free.  Therefore, when I do go somewhere, I wanna be home.  The drugs make me want to be alone as well.  :'(
So, last month these ladies & I were discussing all of this & they think I should be in a counseling session w/a pro - well, I can't afford that.  I have always been in 'computer-based' support groups - my daughter had a lot of medical problems & I belonged to many support groups regarding different aspects of her care.  So, TCF group brings me comfort in that I'm not going over board grieving & there are others feeling like I feel. 

I lost more than my daughter - she was my work.  School & the teachers & kids, docs, nurses, other cardiopulmonary kids & families - I lost many circles of 'friendships' & contacts in my life. 

I did go back to work a few months after she died, but then my back went south & I'm living in a WHITE apartment rather than my home in the boonies.  We are rebuilding, so it should only be about another 6 wks before we can move home. 

These friends feel that I'm too negative, always in pain, don't want anything to do w/rides (HOG Chapter - I was the Ladies Of Harley Officer for 2 yrs & I no longer want to put rides together than I can't ride!), (They put together an event @ the Harley shop that I had been wanting to do for 2 yrs, yet didn't invite me to participate, but then wanted me to come watch!  How offensive that was to me!  They say they wanted to protect me...) keep to myself (I live closer to everyone right now, yet no one visits even though they have an open invite!), they say I don't call - everyone works, so I always say call/text whenever you have time...

I want my life back...I know I can't have Tanela back, but I would like to have more than PT 3x/wk...
However, when I'm w/these ladies anymore, I feel like an outsider.  When we move home, I'll be back in the boonies - no one will come out there - it's too far (30-60 min varying for where they all live), yet they expect me to come to them. 

I guess I do feel sorry for myself.  I'm definitely still missing my beautiful Tanela so very much.  I want some of my life back physically.

Ranting again...you're prob sorry now that you asked!  LOL

Other's Eyes...

I hear ya, but where's the empathy?  If you hadn't lost a child, yet tried to imagine it, how would YOU want to be treated?  I can't imagine telling anyone to 'get over the death of "anyone", let alone one's child'.  We are NOT the same people anymore, either!  Why is it ok when 'oh, she has had a hard time since her mom passed' but when our child has passed, we are expected to be the same person when our child was alive?  I'm really struggling w/friends about this & the domino effect of tragedies that have happened since - I'm a negative person; I'm always in pain; I'm depressed; I need to move on, etc.  I have lost my child, my home & all our belongings & my physical health & am on a lot of pain meds - all in under 14 mos - How AM I supposed to be 'in everyone else's eyes'???

SHARING THOUGHTS/COMMENTS

I have decided to post some thoughts/comments from others who touch me - in my state of mind/grief/life...I will keep posts anonymous, but I will distinguish my comments from others' comments.  It is unimaginable to feel what Parents of Angels feel - unless you've felt it yourself.  Even then, there are too many variables to circumstances...

HOWEVER - One thing remains the same:  WE HAVE BURIED ONE OF OUR CHILDREN

Parents of Angels

RE:  A request for comments for a Wish List of what we wish people had done for us in the days, weeks, and months after our child’s funeral...


Posts I have shared...


~  I wish my friends would've come by to hang & hold me while I cried...

~  You have to be so strong during the days of the funeral - afterwards, when the days are just too awful to bear, hold your friend & let them cry!

Comments from others that rang clear to me: 

~  I wish I didn't feel like I have to keep quiet about my son. I wish I could go back to my friends, the ones that let me talk about him whenever I want and just listen. I wish people wouldn't get quiet when I talk about him.

~  Don't say "call me if you need anything"...just come over and wash the car or weed the garden, bring by a few groceries, etc. I didn't have the energy to do any of the routine day to day things.

~  we were mostly fortunate but it definitely got harder as time progressed...good friends( i thought )never came through..they could not accept the change i guess..they could not take the talking of Joshua....like i was suppose to stop having... him in my life because he died! it is ludicrous! People have a time limit in their minds. i have been accused of having a shrine, i have been told to get on with it...like hello i am here and living life actually i knew when my 11 year old son died i can easily die.. or walk dead...i chose life and i am living it....and Josh will always be a part of it he is my son!!!! That's a period!!!!


This next one hits so many places...It'll be the last I post right now on the subject.  Are you brave enough to read it's entirety?  I was & I see so much in it...


~  the list for me is: shared ongoing stories of his life more, not avoided me because they were scared, asked me what i needed not what they needed, (I was already taking care of them) share their grief more openly with me, said joshua's nam...e more frequently, send cards till the day i die, handle my tears, not judge whether i am good on not.."she's doing so well", have you asked? or because i walk out the door and go to work you decide i am ok???? OR i can't believe she is still not over joshua, educate yourself....get on this site or others, read, so you know we are not crazy or sick....be patient, give time, not a time limit, unless you want to know how i am, Don't ask How are you? matter a fact unless you really know me and take the time to know me..don't even bother with how are you, how about "there really are no words!!!!!" language is way too limited to discuss our children's death...but we try! people who are willing to ask me to come to their children's events, put in 10% of what you do to plan your events for your own children for honoring my child who died....buy a gift in his name, donate, make an art project, get creative..just think of it like this..how many times would you have bought a gift for whatever event...don't stop cuz he is dead....keep going and put that money to good use in his honor....acknowledge our other children, they lost their sibling, it is a hard loss....be active, specific and honest about helping, Don't just mouth the words! Cannot stand these people who have not lost a kid but start telling you how spirituality and energy healing etc works....honestly.. go F.....yourself....sorry i am really not so angry..but really, i am a spirtual being with strong faith and hope yet i will have this energy person tell me how Josh is fine etc etc and i just have to let go..It is my walk and i have to walk it and until you are walking in these shoes..hopefully never, listen carefully, maybe you will learn some thing really profound! Biblical character Job....the best friends were those that sat with him. no judgement , no telling him how, no abandoning him, they had amazing perseverance, if some ways more than the bereaved...it is a difficult task to be across from a bereaved parent/mother..it takes tenacity and commitment, it takes real compassionate loving friends/relatives! Finally i hated the T word(time).....i am 7 years out and yes time changes things, it is different , but by no means is it linear! More days of productivity, less crying, but some times it is horrendous. i just finished 2 months of being very bad off and i am coming out of it..i was very triggered as it would have been my son's graduation and it was extremely difficult...i have made progress but it is a journey..i call it an ocean of grief....and it changes with the tides...sometimes calm sometimes tsunamis! don't stop praying and sending the best love ever ! that's just a start!!!! God bless!