Thx for checking up on me. I just have a lot of issues - tragedies that have hurt my life so deeply & it seems those I thought were my closest girl friends are not wanting to be bothered w/me anymore. My daughter died 6/1/09, I wrecked my truck 12/09, my house burned down 2/7/10 & I had to have emergency back surgery 3/31/10 & have not been pain free or 'right' ever since.
My 'friends' have told me that they want the 'old Karen' back. She doesn't exist. They don't think I'm going about grieving correctly - they want to know when I will 'get over' my daughter's death. They don't understand what happened to me when my hubby & I KNEW that our daughter wouldn't live a full life & we actually had to wait 12 days for her to die after disconnecting any life supporting machines (dialysis & feeding) - I screamed @ them: TANELA'S SOUL LEFT HER BODY WHILE I WAS HOLDING HER IN MY ARMS!!! One of these ladies has never had a child - the others, thankfully, have not lost a child.
BUT, like that wasn't bad enough, I lost my home, belongings (incuding Tanela's funeral stuff & w/o having been able to go through her belongings) & my health - all in less than a year!
We all met because of motorcycles. Now, I can't ride my own & don't ride w/my husband because of all the things that have happened w/my back. Last summer I rode 3 times w/him on my bike - imagine that: Riding bitch on your own bike! Riding is a great stress reliever & brings your concentration to a focus. I can't ride...I cry...I feel left out.
Equally, w/my back situation, I'm not comfortable most places. I have to be reclined to be comfortable - sitting & standing hurt the most. Even on all the drugs I'm on, I'm not pain free. Therefore, when I do go somewhere, I wanna be home. The drugs make me want to be alone as well. :'(
So, last month these ladies & I were discussing all of this & they think I should be in a counseling session w/a pro - well, I can't afford that. I have always been in 'computer-based' support groups - my daughter had a lot of medical problems & I belonged to many support groups regarding different aspects of her care. So, TCF group brings me comfort in that I'm not going over board grieving & there are others feeling like I feel.
I lost more than my daughter - she was my work. School & the teachers & kids, docs, nurses, other cardiopulmonary kids & families - I lost many circles of 'friendships' & contacts in my life.
I did go back to work a few months after she died, but then my back went south & I'm living in a WHITE apartment rather than my home in the boonies. We are rebuilding, so it should only be about another 6 wks before we can move home.
These friends feel that I'm too negative, always in pain, don't want anything to do w/rides (HOG Chapter - I was the Ladies Of Harley Officer for 2 yrs & I no longer want to put rides together than I can't ride!), (They put together an event @ the Harley shop that I had been wanting to do for 2 yrs, yet didn't invite me to participate, but then wanted me to come watch! How offensive that was to me! They say they wanted to protect me...) keep to myself (I live closer to everyone right now, yet no one visits even though they have an open invite!), they say I don't call - everyone works, so I always say call/text whenever you have time...
I want my life back...I know I can't have Tanela back, but I would like to have more than PT 3x/wk...
However, when I'm w/these ladies anymore, I feel like an outsider. When we move home, I'll be back in the boonies - no one will come out there - it's too far (30-60 min varying for where they all live), yet they expect me to come to them.
I guess I do feel sorry for myself. I'm definitely still missing my beautiful Tanela so very much. I want some of my life back physically.
Ranting again...you're prob sorry now that you asked! LOL
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